First Date… not quite what I expected


Wow, what a couple of days!  Every time I log on, there’s a couple more messages in my inbox and my head gets just a little bit bigger.  But the majority of them make me wonder what on earth they think we have in common – especially the ones coming from men in their late sixties, whose profiles always state I look and feel much younger.  If I could write a personal message back, it would be something like: So do I, which puts me in my twenties, and that would be just icky.

Anyway, back to the first guy I responded to.  I was out at a festival all day Saturday and didn’t get home until after midnight.  I decided to have a quick peek before bed (it really is strangely addictive) and found a lovely email from him.

In a move that would have Kate pinning me down and repeatedly beating me around the head with a hardcover edition of The Rules, I responded immediately.  I was just about to go to bed (after looking at a few more of the guys in my inbox so I could sleep smugly) when a little ping in my mailbox alerted me that First Guy had responded right away.

I’m going to call First Guy Albert, because that’s not his name.

So Albert and I did that flirty-email thing you do where you’re all lighthearted and witty and decided we’d meet for an afternoon coffee on Sunday.  He left it up to me to choose, so I picked a nearby funky but very reasonably priced café, hoping it would make me seem cool and ‘in’ for knowing such a place.

Anyway, I feel like relating my whole weekend blow-by-blow for the sake of a cohesive chronology, but this blog is just about my dating adventures, so I’ll fast-forward to 3pm Sunday – the date.

As the café in question is practically at my front door, I arrived at 2:59 pm (don’t tell Kate) and found a seat in a cosy corner where I could see new arrivals.  Albert arrived at about 3:02.  I knew it was Albert because it was a little bald guy, about 2 inches shorter and a few years older than the boxes ticked on his profile.  The nice smile I liked was not evident as he scanned the café… twice scanning right by me.  So I decided to screw dignity and stood up and waved to him.

He noticed me and I waited for the lovely grin.  I kept waiting as he came over to the table.  I decided it would come after he ascertained I was the person he’d come to see.

“Patty?” he asked and I nodded eagerly.

“Oh,” he said and looked like he was going to bolt, but then – finally after scoping the location of all possible exits – sat down instead.

It was just like all my paranoid fantasies and nightmares.  I tried to make conversation and he answered monosyllabically while his eyes darted around the buzzy little café.  It was kind of clear he would have preferred to be anywhere but there.  Or with anyone but me.  I’d completely given up on seeing the smile I’d initially been attracted to.  After a few awkward silences, I finally asked him outright:

“Do you want to go?”

“It’s just…” eyes darting all over the place, “I thought you’d be a bigger girl.”

What the F_ _ _?  I didn’t say that, but I sure as hell thought it and it must have shown on my face.  Albert was already standing up and ready to leave.

“I’m sorry, I don’t think this will work,” he said and he was out of the café.  Our orders hadn’t even been taken yet.  So of course the waitress picked that exact time to come up and brightly ask what I wanted.  I’m enough of a regular there that I couldn’t just up and walk out, so I ordered a coffee.  Which took another ten minutes to arrive.  Ten minutes of blazing cheeks, half-hearted waves to those people I don’t really know but ‘know by sight’ and then about twenty seconds to drink it and bolt.

I ran (or jiggled if you’re going to be unkind) home and tried to figure out what the hell happened.  I thought you’d be a bigger girl???  There’s no doubt that’s what he said.

Had I stumbled on a Tubby Lover or a Feeder or something on my very first date?  And I wasn’t tubby enough?  Well, that’s a first.  I had absolutely no idea what to think about it.  All I knew was I will not be suggesting any of my local haunts for first meets again.

I admit, it crossed my mind a hundred times over to give up the whole idea, but after a few hours I decided I could laugh about it.  I never expected that one date would be all it took to find the love of my life.  Chalk it up to experience.

So I decided to respond to a bunch of the messages in my inbox to say yes, I’m interested.  And after Kate’s advice, this experience, and the ‘knowledge’ imparted by people on other forums that, yes, in online dating world ‘slightly overweight’ means mega-porky and ‘average’ means slightly-to-fairly-overweight, I’m seriously considering changing my body type to ‘average’.  I don’t want to be dishonest, but it seems like if “everyone knows” these little truths of online dating, then I’m misrepresenting myself by being honest.  Head spin.  I’ll think about it later.

Thanks again to all who have chosen to comment and follow me. 🙂


15 responses »

  1. I have been there as well, my online dating history is checkered with the odd and the humorous, and the down right degrading. I applaud your courage, honesty and conviction.

      • My stories, well let’s see I have met the following types and more as I am sure I can not recall them all. But here are a few of the more remarkable I suppose.

        I have met several of the type I call , I want to get married tonight and your breathing!
        Then there is the ever plentyful, I am horny as hell as your breathing!
        Then there is the I need a place to live and your breathing with a House
        Then we have the ever popular, how much do you make and are you deep in debt type, how much can you spend on me.
        We also have the Oh your not as good looking in person, I have to go type (always hurts) despite almost up the the minute clear full body shot photo, whats up with that.
        then we have the rude Id rather be on the phone than chat with you I am here for the free meal type, the last one got stuck with the tab . I saw no reason to foot it as she was just over the top obvious about her reason for being there.
        There are those that are sweet and pretty and have pretty much all a guy could ask for but there is no chemistry no fault of anyones type, far to many of those I am sad to say.
        I still have hope although it is a bit less brighter than it used to be.

      • Yikes! Well that post scared the crap out of me. Is that what I have to look forward to?

        Tonight’s date was not quite as bad as any of them but… well I’ll post about it tomorrow.

  2. What a weirdo! I think you are way better off without anyone like him anyway. It’s a good thing you are able to laugh about it -great attitude!
    Best wishes to you (and I am sure you will find someone amazing eventually!)


  3. LOL that is GOLD! Ok I’m siding with Kate, get on that ‘average’ boat girl! The unspoken rules have spoken, you’re not tubby enough to be in the ‘slightly overweight’ category. Can’t wait for the next instalment, good on you for giving it a go

      • haha. The bitter men. Thats how I found your blog from that forum. I’m totally loving the adventures. I like to give them little monikers like ‘sandwich guy’ – the one who has as his profile pick, him smiling with a giant sandwich. Sandwich guy sent me every kiss on there and I replied with every rejection on there.

        I think we shall call ‘Albert’, Mr Average, in honour of his inspiring the potential shift to the ‘average’ category.

        I look forward to your adventures. I got stood up last night on my latest jaunt. He asked me out three weeks ago, but cancelled because he was stuck at work, then begged me to go out again, cancelled because he was not well and then after pushing for a third go, stands me up again. He is henceforth NoShow Guy.

      • Unfortunately, if you are going down this route, I think you’re going to have to kiss a whole lotta frogs before you find a prince – so maybe to protect your psyche it *would* be better to look at this as predominantly humorous blog fodder and any success you have would just be the icing on the cake!

  4. you can’t even make this stuff up! good on you for blogging about it and seeing the humour in it.

    I’m currently working in london by myself and I’m here for a few more weeks before returning back to australia to my boyfriend, family and friends… so this is keeping me VERY entertained in the meantime.

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