Date 4 – thinks he’s Yoda he does


So, lunchtime date yesterday.  I didn’t really think that I’d click with this guy, but as my top three choices had been such disasters, I figured maybe my radar was a bit off and I should expand my horizons a bit.

His profile showed a guy who likes to wear hats in his photos, stated to be 5’7”.  (As an aside, I’m beginning to notice a pattern here – it seems that the less vertically-able men are as much maligned as those of us who enjoy our pastas and curries a bit too much).

A bald guy about 5’5-and-a-half” turned up, which I was totally expecting.  See how quick I catch on?

“Pleased to meet you, I am,” he said with what I thought must be a dyslexic smile.

I felt absolutely no attraction whatsoever to this guy, but I still had hope of being blown away by the wit and charm that was not at all evident in his profile.

“Eaten, you have?” he asked me.  I say ‘asked me’ like I immediately knew it was a question, but it actually took me a while to work that out.

“Oh, yes, just a coffee please.”

He seemed a pleasant enough fellow and smiled a lot, which was a nice change, but conversation was a struggle, so in desperation I went our online dating experiences (I say desperation because my mate Kate says that’s a no-go subject.  I dunno, we’re supposed to pretend.

“I’m quite new to this,” I said.  “It’s very daunting.”

“So true, that is.  But pretty you are.  Popular you must be.”

It finally dawned on me that this guy wasn’t just doing a cute icebreaker thing, he actually thought he was Yoda.  He spoke like this a lot, sometimes even employing a croaky Yoda-voice.  It made conversation bloody difficult.  And he didn’t seem to be doing it as some sort of cute joke, like Michael and Holly from The Office.  I got the impression he talks like that all the time.

After our coffee, when it was gone 2 o’clock and I was justified in saying I had to get back to work (even though that was a fib as I had a day off and because I was feeling good about myself I was going bikini shopping – but that’s another story.  Traumatic.  I hear the burqa-look is in for plain plump spinsters this year), he said “See you again, I shall?”

“Not compatible, we are,” I said.*


So this was the most pleasant date so far, but there was no click, conversation was near impossible and I just flat out didn’t fancy the guy.  There’s no point in trying to make something happen when it’s clear it’s not going to.

No dates lined up this weekend – already have plans with friends.  But I do still have several fellas in my inbox that I’ll get back to and hopefully have more dates next week.

I’m also going to check out the speed dating thing someone suggested.  Anyone got any experience with that?


*okay, total lie.  That’s just what I should have said.


23 responses »

  1. He didn’t offer to flip out his light saber on the first date…well that’s a start. Luck he didn’ order bagels and ask you to stick them on the side of your head. Geeks like that can go either way. They can have some awesome kinks or they could be just bland and looking for a thing.

    I haven’t had a go at speed dating yet. Can’t wait to hear how pans out that one does.

    Oh and on the swimwear…go vintage. I got this amazing vintage one piece yesterday that just sucks everything into place and has one of those bulletproof bust insert things that make you look all 50’s pinup. 😉

  2. If I met someone who talked/looked like Spock (especially from the new movie) I’d totally go for it. I’m a die hard trekkie.

  3. I came across a great phrase to describe those ‘what I should have said’ moments, when the perfect come back arrives after the event….’esprit d’escalier’ (lit. ‘wit of the staircase’). It’s funny how we think of the most appropriate lines only after the event. There must be some part of the brain that switches off the witty response when its most needed ie. there and then. You can however substitute lacking the skill by just being extremely rude/crude when the event requires it eg.
    “Compatible, f*ck you” or “A date? Again never you t*rd”.
    Anyway Patty damn you for socialising instead of dating this weekend. I’m a busy man, I want reports on this dating site thing NOW! To repay your loyal readers, you are hereby ordered to go on 3 dates next week. Please make one of them freaky on your part too ie. you pre-empt the impending disaster by turning up wearing a tutu, carrying a chainsaw and stuffing a german shepherd puppy in your handbag.
    ps. Your experiences confirm what we all kind of know anyway: short guys have got it tough.

  4. ps. Patty can you keep statistical track of your dates? We need to confirm/disprove our assumptions about these sites eg. the percentage of guys looking for a quick root is 78.6%, unstable personalities/personality disorders using the sites is 52.4%, guys looking to bed a foursome is 26.4% and guys into urine is 4.8%.

    Eventually, you’ll be able to give us the definitive answer to the question ‘what % of users are intelligent dreamboats?’ I’m guessing the answer to this one is about 0.25%, but until the data’s in, we have no way of knowing.

  5. Great blog. I’ve been doing internet dating on and off for a few years. Unfortunately, no long-lasting success. There was one who I thought was promising and I dated him for about a month – until he spat on me while we were doing the wild thing. Apparently I should have been turned on by that ….

  6. Very funny, that is.
    You should write a dating profile decoder.
    e.g. Medium build = overweight
    a little bit overweight = morbidly obese
    45 = between 50 and 60
    very sensual = horny and into weird ass shit
    looking for a good time = only wants sex
    I’m sure after a little experience you could write one fairly well. It would also make a hilarious blog post! 🙂

  7. Patty, this is very enjoyable, I’ve had one or two very bizarre internet dating experiences, it put me right off and i went conventional for a few years, my roomie started internet dating earlier this year, and after 5 frogs she met her prince, so far he is, she moved to Hong Kong and hes visiting her regularly, she inspired me and I’m currently waiting for my international date whom I’ve been chatting for 8 months to arrive in 4 weeks. Best of luck and keep laughing! the good guy cannot come along too soon, or this blog would be short lived.

      • Patty, I was always skeptical too, but I had to log on and let you know, mr international is my prince charming, we spent a month here together and I’m off to Hawaii in 8 weeks to spend more time with him.

  8. Well well well…… I thought that “just by chance” there’d be a new post in this hilarious blog… haven’t missed a single one and it just gets more and more intriguing. With all the “juicy” angles and well-focused marketing, and there should be (big) editorial material in here…

  9. Perhaps you should try dating over correspondence for a bit, I mean like share quite a few emails before you meet someone so you have a bit more of an idea of them. The first time meeting them might be easier as well as you wont be as nervous and they wont be as nervous and nervous ticks (such as reversing the clauses of your sentence) wont be as likely to arise?? Although that might take away some very hilarious blog posts.

  10. I seem to recall from my long-ago linguistics lessons that some east european languages have that particular construction – are you sure he wasn’t a migrant rather than a die-hard Star Wars fanboy?

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