Well, I’ve finally accepted another date for next week after firing a little under a hundred emails at the guty, each one cleverly designed to catch him out in lies and inconsistencies that might let me know whether he’s married cheating scum. I finally decided I was happy that he probably wasn’t married cheating scum, but a perfectly normal man who might be worried about the state of my mind after questions that stopped just short of “can you please send me a high-res full colour photograph of your left hand on today’s paper” (you know, to check for tan lines).
But that’s next week and I feel obliged to update the blog anyway, so I thought I’d put together a little list of things I’ve learned in online dating world so far.
- Don’t trust anyone who has password-protected photos. Sure he might have a legitimate reason (the types of workmates that would email a link to the entire supply list, or being part of the witness protection program or something) but I bet he’s married or at least hiding something. Not worth it.
- I’m probably not going to get along with anyone who uses 4u in their username. It just makes me think they’ve got a bunch of ‘adult’ site logins like ‘horny4u’ or ‘bigdick4u’ and have kept the pattern going on Big Dating Site with ‘niceguy4u’.
- Anyone wearing a baseball cap in all his photos is bald. We girls are totally onto this trick, but believe it or not, most of us really don’t care about a lack of hair unless you actually hide a tragic comb-over underneath that cap. Then we might care a little bit.
- The bloke who likes to “spoil his lady” probably has “old fashioned values” and wants “a woman who’s not afraid to be a woman.” In other words, he’d like it to be the 1950s and wants me to fetch him a sammich and beer and then leave him alone til it’s time to clean up.
- Anyone who wants a “partner in crime” is severely lacking in imagination. And the discretion needed to pull off a really cool crime.
- There are an awful lot of ‘senior managers’ with zero command of grammar, spelling or punctuation. And who find it appropriate to use text speak in their profiles.
- There is a super secret dating site math code you need to crack. The one for reading the boys profiles is:
- Add ten kilos to his weight
- Subtract 3 inches from his height
- Multiply his age by 1.5
- Divide his income by 2
8. I’m not even going to mention the whole spacial perception of 9 inches thing…
Now that’s out of my system, I totally plan to have a nice rest of the weekend and try my best not to view any incoming kisses with suspicion