Online dating – lessons learned so far

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Well, I’ve finally accepted another date for next week after firing a little under a hundred emails at the guty, each one cleverly designed to catch him out in lies and inconsistencies that might let me know whether he’s married cheating scum.  I finally decided I was happy that he probably wasn’t married cheating scum, but a perfectly normal man who might be worried about the state of my mind after questions that stopped just short of “can you please send me a high-res full colour photograph of your left hand on today’s paper” (you know, to check for tan lines).

But that’s next week and I feel obliged to update the blog anyway, so I thought I’d put together a little list of things I’ve learned in online dating world so far.

  1. Don’t trust anyone who has password-protected photos.  Sure he might have a legitimate reason (the types of workmates that would email a link to the entire supply list, or being part of the witness protection program or something) but I bet he’s married or at least hiding something.  Not worth it.
  2. I’m probably not going to get along with anyone who uses 4u in their username.  It just makes me think they’ve got a bunch of ‘adult’ site logins like ‘horny4u’ or ‘bigdick4u’ and have kept the pattern going on Big Dating Site with ‘niceguy4u’.
  3. Anyone wearing a baseball cap in all his photos is bald.  We girls are totally onto this trick, but believe it or not, most of us really don’t care about a lack of hair unless you actually hide a tragic comb-over underneath that cap.  Then we might care a little bit.
  4. The bloke who likes to “spoil his lady” probably has “old fashioned values” and wants “a woman who’s not afraid to be a woman.”  In other words, he’d like it to be the 1950s and wants me to fetch him a sammich and beer and then leave him alone til it’s time to clean up.
  5. Anyone who wants a “partner in crime” is severely lacking in imagination.  And the discretion needed to pull off a really cool crime.
  6. There are an awful lot of ‘senior managers’ with zero command of grammar, spelling or punctuation.  And who find it appropriate to use text speak in their profiles.
  7. There is a super secret dating site math code you need to crack.  The one for reading the boys profiles is:
  • Add ten kilos to his weight
  • Subtract 3 inches from his height
  • Multiply his age by 1.5
  • Divide his income by 2

8.  I’m not even going to mention the whole spacial perception of 9 inches thing…

Now that’s out of my system, I totally plan to have a nice rest of the weekend and try my best not to view any incoming kisses with suspicion

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23 responses »

  1. So what questions did you ask him? I need some pointers!

    I have to agree with a lot of your points there Patty. Now I skim past the password protected pics, baseball cap/sunnies combo and I’m dismayed at how many guys on these sites lie about their age!
    I had one guy contact me who stated his age as 50 but was easily 60+ like we can’t tell!!!!

    I thought only women lied about their age but the guys are much worse!

  2. Patty, it sounds like your BS radar has been finely tuned after your experience with Mr. Snakeintheladygarden! Here’s hoping next week’s date is at the very least not a complete twat like some of the dates so far and really isn’t married. At least you are well equipped to sniff that out now!

    I really don’t get these guys who lie about their height…ummm derr, that’s gonna be found out straight away! And don’t get me started on combovers, just reading the word is enough to have me falling about the place laughing!

    Quick update on my own adventures…I have a date tomorrow! Only my second one so we’ll see how this goes, but she does seem very nice and we have a lot in common…

  3. Er, I have password protected photos (when my profile is visible – atm it’s not) and I am not married and most certainly not bald! Often it’s the local school teacher who wants to maintain her privacy or ditto, for the policeman who needs to protect his identity but wishes to find a ‘partner in crime’ in his personal life also (he’s probably the one exception to that cliche who is rightly allowed to use it). In my case, not having tickets on myself, but I’m an attractive girl and when my photo is freely available I score inappropriate hits from all over the place (from 16-60+) who clearly have just clicked on the picture without reading a word of the text. It’s annoying and very time-consuming to wade through the replies to say “thanks, but no thanks”. With a password protected photo, I can do the selecting, yet allow those who are selected to view me. Mere convenience. On another note, to add to your list, beware of Mr. “just want to hang out and have fun” or “not looking for anything serious right now, but not afraid of a relationship with the right person” type man. Read code for – I just want to bang as many chicks without commitment as possible.

    • “Mr. “just want to hang out and have fun” or “not looking for anything serious right now, but not afraid of a relationship with the right person” type man. Read code for – I just want to bang as many chicks without commitment as possible.”

      Soooo right Ms Rabbit. I’m having a hiatus for a while again too. Thank gawd Patty’s back.

  4. I am 5′ 6″ and have been locked in passionate clinches with men exactly the same height as me but insisting they are 5′ 8″ a few times over the years. (I am now married to a man who I am sure told me he was 6′ when we met but is actually 5′ 11″.).
    Pleased to have you back, Patty. I have never commented before but have lurked in the background reading about your adventures. (Somehow that sounds a bit creepy!)
    When you disappeared for a while I had assumed you had perished in the wilds of Borneo. Did you actually go to Borneo or was that code for something else?

    • Hi Ekwa, I’m afraid whilst Patty might have perished ..beneath the rapidly withering marriage vows of another…at the very least, the sheer audacity of some of these improper immoral men …it was me that was off to the wilds of Borneo. However, I didn’t perish, I flourished. I even had two marriage proposals whilst I was there (but much as I would wish for a sultan and his kingdom, more than a 5 minute conversation in a marketplace and a rudimentary grasp of English are required) But having said that, given her latest (mis)adventures, I sure bet that Ms. Patty wished she was there now!

  5. Another one who is glad to see you back. Hang in there, you have to kiss a few frogs and all that. But there are a few good ones out there.

  6. Hey Patty, if you pawing your feet and killing time between now and your next date – why don’t you try this, for an idea, if you are game and up for it? It’d certainly be fun and good blog fodder! IMAGINE the reverse scenario, where interested blokes would PAY to have a date with you? Confidence boosting at the very least! I’m not sure which city you are in (it’s either Sydney or Melbourne) but I’m sure a quick google on one of their websites would reveal something similar:

    Thursday, February 9, 2012, 6:30 PM
    If you feel inclined to put something back…..how about this Oxfam Trailwalkers fundraising event – Singles Auction?

    Yes, Single Volunteers are placed and interested people bid for a date with them.

    Doors open 6.30pm. Tickets are $10.

    XXX is hosting and looking for nominations for a few more single volunteers.

    This in in Prahran, Melbourne – but it sounds like a fun night.

  7. Since in point 7 you have given us a girls perspective on how you see us boys maybe i’m thinking i should do the opposite.
    So here goes:

    The one for reading the girls profiles is:

    Add ten kilos to her weight…ie slim = average, average = overweight
    When over the age of 30 add five years to the age.
    Wanting to find a man whose income is double mine.

    Just my two cents worth.

  8. Dear Interested, your comment has me interested! That’s just not true, if you count at least this blogger and myself, that’s at least two women online who are determinedly honest. Not all women out there are masqueraders. What’s the point? If you lie at the beginning, what kind of precedence does that set for the relationship? See above re: Patty’s married men etc. I list my weight as ‘average’ because that’s what I think that I am – even though I could probably choose ‘athletic’ as I’m quite fit, muscular and in a healthy BMI range. But I err on the side of cautious – I’d hate to let anybody down – and figure that it’s better to exceed expectations rather than not at all to meet them. I don’t lie about my age, although given the strong focus on women’s appearances and the invisible cut-off point for women (i.e. ’42’ when magical fertility is deemed to disappear) I can certainly see why it’s tempting. It’s odd, I could easily put 35, 36, 38 instead of 42 – I look exactly the same as then. But I choose to be honest as I don’t want to play games and I know that a man really interested in me would not be bothered by my age or a number (and if they are, this weeds them out). Lying takes a lot of energy and memory gymnastics. Income is entirely irrelevant as long as they are not insolvent and can afford a cup of coffee. Just as per example, I have been chatting to one guy for ~2 months now and have yet to ask what he does for a living (hence size up his paypacket). The last man I dated had a very big income but was a complete mess as a personality due to the depression and stress caused by his high-pressured job and excessive hours. I’d rather choose by personality, rather than wallet size any time. I’d accept your two cents, with thanks. 🙂

    • Dear Ms Rabbit, I am making a general comment about the profile of women. I accept the fact that you and Ms Patty are being honest but on my experiences i would say you are the exception rather than the norm.
      That’s why i’d rather meet people in person than online. Too many games, back and forth emails just gets too much. I’m not saying i wouldn’t do it again but i’m over it for now. I am very fit (due to me work) and earn great money but am tired of the lies that online dating has thrown my way.
      At least when you meet someone face to face you get what you see.
      On saying all that i’m enjoying the blog. Keep it up Patty.

  9. I’m going to throw in my two cents as not all guys lie or bend the truth on their dating profiles either. There’s a little update on my dating adventures at the end too…

    I put 5’8″ as my height because that’s exactly what I am, not a single inch more or less. I’m 14kg overweight, so “a bit overweight” seems like an accurate description to me. I didn’t bother talking myself up to try and make myself sound like some exciting, well travelled outdoorsy sort of person. I am not that and don’t want to meet someone like that.
    I’m a geek who is more indoors than outdoors, I can’t even remember the last time I went to the beach! lol

    So all that and more went in my profile. I’m only a fairly ordinary looking guy but I didn’t try and make the pics look better, they are recent and I do look like that.

    The best thing about all this was that I had a date with an amazing girl last week and she’s exactly the sort of girl I’m looking for! She seems to be a bigger nerd than me and that’s something I never thought possible! The date went for nearly four hours with not a single awkward silence to be seen, we just had so much in common and did seem to click straight away. We’re meeting up again this week and I’m really trying hard not to get too excited because I like her!!

    So now I’m sitting here wondering what she thinks of me and if she’s thinking what I’m thinking and all those thoughts that go through your head…I’m sure you all know what I’m talking about!
    I’d better hang on because no matter which way this goes, from this point on it’s going to be an emotional roller coaster. I’ve long passed the point of no return!!!

    • Yay for you Nerdy Guy. We’re all gunning for you. Keep us posted on how it goes. I’m out of the game for a while. It got just a wee bit disheartening after almost falling for the same dilemma as our beautiful heroine. I must now live vacariously through all of you guys.

      Happy Valentines kids.

  10. Hi Nerdyguy, that’s fantastic, good news and bad news (eek!) all at once! Thanks for sharing and keeping us updated, it all goes into the blogging pot via Patty’s site, hopefully we all learn something from the experience. It’s good to hear of your potential relationship and hope that your second date goes well, but boy (the bad news bit ) you do have a long way to go too. Just say this one goes well, then there’s the thrid make-or-break dealbreaker (they can go anyway) and the issue then of sexual compatability. I’m sure it will be fine, but it’s disappointing to have so much in common with someone but then discover it ain’t going anywhere in that department. Then just say that goes all well, then there is the yo-yo issue of ‘who takes their profile down’ first and what if one still has theirs up, whilst the other doesn’t? Sorry – just trying to prep you for the reality of online dating! Re: lying, tonight is a classic. I reactivated my profile and started chatting to one guy (albeit without a face photo, only a headless torso on a jetski) who insisted he was single and honest and straight forward. But couldn’t send his face photo because ‘lots of people know me from work’. Well, one quick check later, on another Big Dating Site with the same profile and exact same user name, this guy was listed as ‘married’ and specified seeking non-commitment ‘fun’. Sigh. Why do they do this???

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