Crticial Man – or Why I Stopped Dating and Blogging


So the reason I haven’t updated lately is because I’ve been sitting on my couch like a blob of mashed potato watching back-to-back episodes of Revenge with a selection of gourmet ice cream tubs (which I’ve been sharing with Irony, but not too much because I don’t want him turning into a Plain Plump Pussy).  Wallowing, I tell you.  I’ve been wallowing.  It’s not an attractive look.

The catalyst for the wallow was a series of uninspiring, awkward and downright depressing dates.  See, before this little experiment I was able to convince myself that what my best mate Kate said was true – that I have all this inner beauty stuff going on that will shine through and enamour unsuspecting dates.  But then I went out with Critical Man.

Maybe I should’ve read between the lines when he said he likes a woman who ‘takes pride in her appearance’ in his profile.  But I figured he’s seen my photos and I do try to make the best of what I have to work with, which is why I put myself through the torture of the dodgy spray tan clinic (it’s still true – brown fat looks better than white fat, proven scientific fact) and do things like shower every day and don’t wear tracky dacks outside of the house.

But anyway, as usual, my Dating Alarm was malfunctioning and so I met Critical Man for a weekend afternoon date at a café.

After the cute young waitress took our order, Critical Man shook his head and said “I don’t know why they let girls with tattoos work in the service industry.  They look so tacky.”  Her tattoo, mind you, was a pretty innocuous little symbol of some sort on her upper arm and didn’t look too offensive to me at all.  I made a little lame “I liked it,” comment and he glared at me and told me in no uncertain terms that tattoos were like a big neon sign that the wearer has no class.

I’d ordered a muffin because I was hungry and I do like me a muffin, once I get over comparing their shape to the lower half of my body.  I’d kind of fooled myself that I was the only one who noticed this phenomenon, but Critical Man looked at the muffin, looked at my tummy area, then back at the muffin.

“Are you sure you want to eat that?”

Well, yeah I was sure – it was white chocolate and raspberry.  Who wouldn’t be sure?  I defiantly took a big bite, but then it stuck in my throat and I began to cough and a little bit of white chocolate catapulted out and hit him.  I think I was more sorry about missing out on that bit of white chocolate than the assault committed on my date though.

Critical Man then proceeded into a diatribe of how losing weight was all about having respect for yourself and calories in vs calories out and if I just had a little discipline I would be able to get myself down to a desirable weight.

Disrespectful, undisciplined me defiantly wolfed down the rest of my muffin, told him I’d rather be a bit on the plump side than a balding, big-nosed, over-critical loser and left.  Not my proudest moment maybe.

So that led to the downloading of the entire first season of Revenge, the propping up of the ice cream industry and the vow to never log on to Big Dating Site again.

But then a girlfriend introduced me to and took me along to a couple of drinks events. isn’t a dating site – it’s just a social site, and so far I’ve had a lovely time.  So maybe that’s another avenue for Plain Plump Patty.  I’ll let you know how it goes.

Thanks so much for the messages of support and for thinking of me when I haven’t been around for so long.  xoxo



37 responses »

  1. Oh Patty… He sounds like a complete douchebag. There is definitely someone out there for you, you witty, gorgeous, independent woman.

  2. Yes Meet Up is definitely the place I’d go next time around! They actually have groups that like to eat stuff like white chocolate and raspberry muffins. Or chocolate icecream near the water. Or Thai curries. Good luck. ps. You could have recommended Ashley & Martin or Regaine!

    • I’ve only been to a couple, but they do seem to be filled with pretty nice people, though not all of them are single and there seems to be a much higher percentage of women or men. Do you have any particular meetups you can recommend?

  3. That guy sounds like a complete waste of space! Pity you didn’t think of a snappy cutting comment about rudeness being a sure sign of someone “having no class” LOL! (Don’t worry – I NEVER think of cutting replies until at least an hour after the conversation). I’ve been a meetup member for about four years now and I love it – I haven’t found a partner through meetup (although friends of mine have) but it’s a great way to expand your social circle and get off the couch!

  4. Oh Patty – that just sucks balls.

    I hate it that such a monumental douche can have such an effect on your self.

    Screw him and the judgemental, self-righteous and obnoxiously rude horse he rode in on.

    Take great and gentle care of yourself, Patty.

    (And get your “dickhead-o-meter” fixed, eh?)

  5. Oh I gave up on the internet dating when the last one who seemed normal up till meet and greet time couldn’t make it to the date he asked me out on, but later that night invited me to join him in his car parked in an unlit park late at night where he was just ‘chilling’ by himself. My weirdometer was just too spooked by it all. I just decided to unpack my books instead. They’re better company.

  6. Patty Patty Patty….Let me guess….this guy was perfection itself and therefore in a position to “cast a stone”? I recall having lunch with a man years ago – who cast a critical look over my “curves” and proclaimed that I was “not up to his standards’ – when the man in question was fat, ugly, in a low paying job and clearly short on a social life. Yet he judged me??? No no no. In future – adopt the Churchill line – I can always loose the weight, but you sir, will always be ugly/stupid/ignorant – choose your insult.

    Meetup – yeah – it’s OK. You know what though – so is being single. Don’t stress over it. And keep writing -we miss you when you’re gone.

  7. Wow, he sounds like my recent douche-bag with the tatt-o-phobia and weight-centric comments that were seriously out-of-order! I wonder if it is the same guy? This is the guy who has ears like two beer jug handles and a face twice the size of a pizza, topped off by an ethnic inexplicable fetish for white sock withs every outfit he decided to wear. Despite proclaiming that I was ‘totally yummy’ and a 100% focus on my physical looks every date thereafter (there lasted 3 in total) he was not opposed to sending me the odd email/sms with ‘chunky’ comments and thus digging his way all the way to China. When I ‘over-reacted’ (I’m 63kgs) he said that I was ‘full of conspiracy theories’ and compensated with a dozen red roses. Foolishly, I decided to give him a 2nd chance. He spun me the line about him being ‘genuine and deserving to be loved, he didn’t want to leave in the morning, but was looking for a woman with whom he could spend the day’ etc. and ‘that he didn’t want to let a woman of my calibre slip out of his fingers!’ That then led to him thinking he could send me explicity pornographic sms’ every few hours involving myself with ‘strap-ons, lesbians, me wanting his c*ck shoved down my throat lava etc.’ which I can only conclude was his idea of a turn-on. He would never stop short of telling me how ‘h*rny he was baby. What’s ur address?’. Yes, he was about as romantic as a Jenny Craig frozen meal. Finally, when I basically told him to rack off for his inappropriate behaviour, he was stunned by my response and didn’t know how I came to that conclusion that he was all about sex?! Extraordinary! He again kept accusing me of ‘reading too much into it’ and suggesting that perhaps I was frigid and not ‘girlfriend material’ as we were in his opinion ‘now incompatible’.

    • What the fuck? Seriously, what the fuck? On one hand I feel like a wimp running away after date 1… on the other hand I’m glad I never let it get this far! How can anyone think it’s okay to act like that?

      Thanks so much for sharing though!

      • Yes, unfortunately, it’s true. That is just the highlighted version. I didn’t mention the jokey emails about expected dress code for our (2nd?) meeting which consisted of a photo of a bunch of women on their back (taken from some lingerie catalogue no doubt – kept on his iphone to feed his Mrs. Palmer fetishes – but whipped out for my special viewing pleasure! Luckly me!) with their stay-up stockings in the air and nail polished manicured fingers caressing their thighs with my paramour’s subtle (as a sledgehammer) comment that this was the ‘correct’ position! 🙂 Don’t worry, he didn’t get far. Not that far. I won in the end and he lost (he didn’t get it – even though he thought he was ‘in’). And you must remember, he was a real ‘gentleman’ in person, they are cunningly deceitful, he said what he thought that I wanted to hear in person, he was quite the wolf in sheep’s clothing. It all happened offline with the nasty texts and inappropriate emails (he was obviously hiding his barely contained simmering contempt for women barely beneath the surface). And he was intelligent – and very well-known in the media…

      • oh and sorry, one more thing which must be mentioned…

        on our 3rd (and final) meeting for coffee –

        he held my hand and got a h*rd-on.

        he gloatingly told me so.

        (much to my utter disbelief and stunned gobsmackery)

      • honestly? as I’ve said, he was very charming in person. I didn’t speak to him for two weeks (after the ‘chunky’ comments) and was prepared to walk away, but he then wrote some very nice things, including saying he was ‘man enough’ to say sorry and admit he had made a poor choice in words etc. and don’t forget – he also bombed me with a dozen red roses. I put him on ‘probation’ (which he was well aware of) and agreed to TALK only for the 2nd date. He behaved (in person) and was pleasant enough company on the 2nd date….but it was all an act…and so of course, he wasn’t able to keep it up. 🙂

  8. But you know what? I pulled down my profile for a few days, then I thought ‘bugger it’ – why should one douche-bag who doesn’t have a clue about women, ruin my dating foray for me? I’m not going to let him dictate my dating experiences. There MUST be nice guys out there – and believe it or not – I learnt from the experience. I now (perhaps naively) know to avoid guys who are very physically-focused and compliment one excessively on one’s external appearance and don’t pay much attention to any other internal qualities. I now know that it’s NOT ok to put up with inappropriate ‘sexy’ texts after the 1st date. I now know to pay a *lot* more attention to text character than their excessive interest level when determining whether or not to meet. Simple things, yes, but I learn. Re: Meetup, I’ve joined in the past year or so and made a lot of good, genuine new friends. I have a whole new social circle as a result. Yes, I’ve had plenty of interest, but none that I’ve yet wanted to pursue, but I would seriously recommend it as a fantastic way to meet new people and join new interests. It’s been a boon for my life, not a curse.

      • ok – I can only comment on my area, which is Melbourne. And as you’ve said, it’s a social site, not actually a dating site. But I’ve found Melbourne City Adventures to being a very good group (they have lots of various activities for everyone) and personally (my taste) I’ve enjoyed immensely a hiking group called ‘Geographically Challenged Adventurers’. I’ve found that the more that I go, and make real friendships (it’s not instant) the more that I get out of it and really get to know people, rather than attending ‘one-offs’ and finding it shallow. I like the events that involve an afternoon or so (per e.g. beach volleyball or horse-riding etc.) or even a whole day or weekend together (such as hiking/travel trips) as then you can really get to know a whole group rather than never see them again. I’m finding now, that I’m invited to a lot of off-Meetup events through these new friends, who now consider me friends in real-life. Basically, the more that you put into it, the more you get out of it. As with anything.

      • Sounds great – I’ll definitely look more into it. Unfortunately (and this may come as a shock to you) I’m not the sporty type, but some of the food and wine appreciation ones sound good, though they might not help with my efforts to become Patty the Plain Petite Spinster 😉

      • So, don’t worry, we won’t ask you to join that new dating site, ‘Fitness Singles’ then? 🙂

  9. Hi there Patty, happy reader and first time commenter. I would happily suggest not going back to Big Dating Site as there are more than just that, I am a pom (and yes I live here too for my many sins) and any man who is on internet dating really can’t be critical or what is he doing there? Basically take a look at some more offbeat things and my guess is that you’ll see more of the real world (and its men) and less of the idiot community. (Sadly we have them in abundance here too…..someone had looked at my profile and I politely messaged them, only to be met with a nasty insult).

    • Hi Sally,

      I am beginning to wonder whether the traditional dating site is the right place for me or if I should be looking for something more ‘offbeat’ as you put it. Do you have any ideas? And sorry about the nasty insult thing – I don’t understand why anyone has to be mean.

  10. Happy to have you back!!! Best of luck with your future dating adventures, and hopefully you get to meet a genuinely nice guy as opposed to shallow douchebags!!! No one has the right to comment on your appearance and make passive aggressive remarks about your body like that!!! And you wonder why so many people have eating disorders!

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    Please reply back as I’m planning to create my own personal blog and would love to learn where you got this from or what the theme is named. Thanks!

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