I’ve been checking on Big Dating Site obsessively over the last week or so, like an addict sweating through cold turkey and I couldn’t help myself – I accepted a date.
I was totally being picky though and had decided I wasn’t just going to choose anyone – no more heartache for Patty’s plump little heart.
And there was the kiss. All pleasant-looking and normal-sounding and younger than me (can I really tick the toy boy fantasy of the bucket list? Yay!). His profile showed a well-rounded fellow and was full of excitingly adequate spelling and grammar.
Having been all bitten and let down as you well know, I tried not to get too excited about our date on Sunday evening and slapped myself around the head every time I started fantasising about everything going perfectly and ever after and all that. So going in with low expectations, I was super pleasantly surprised to find someone who looked exactly like his profile and smiled warmly at me.
We went through two cups of coffee and I couldn’t believe it – a date that was going well! I wasn’t exactly seeing fireworks or anything, but pleasant chit chat, no inappropriate questions or comments, he didn’t ridicule the people around me and was pleasant to the waiter.
So when he suggested we grab some dinner, of course I said yes.
After we’d made our orders (I went for the claypot crab and scallop, he for the vegetable pie), he said “Actually Patty, there’s someone I want you to meet.”
Huh? Surely he didn’t think it was appropriate for me to meet his kids or his parents or something half way through our first date. For me it’s still about four dates too early to even introduce someone to my cat Irony.
He clasped my hands and looked into my eyes. “I want to introduce you to your saviour, the Lord Jesus Christ.”
Now, I’m all for religious tolerance, live and let live and all (hey, some of my best friends are believers), but I don’t believe in god. It says ‘atheist’ right there on my Big Dating Site profile. His, I recall, said ‘Christian (other)’.
“Um, thanks,” I said, “but actually I’m an atheist. It says so on my profile.”
“I know,” he said. “That’s why I asked you out. I want to save you, Patty. I want to save you from an eternity of burning in hell.”
“Thanks again, but I don’t believe in hell, so I’m really not worried about going there.”
“I’m going to help you open your heart to God,” he assured me.
Do you see what he did there? Totally on-purpose stealth mission in waiting til we ordered food before revealing the crazy. Nothing up to then suggested he was on a mission and now I was stuck there!
“I’m sorry,” I said, “I’m really not interested in talking about religion. Can we talk about something else?”
“Without God there is nothing else. I don’t know what Satan did to lure you away, but I’m here to help you find your way back – back to your saviour the Lord Jesus Christ.”
“I really don’t want to talk about it.”
“Don’t be afraid. You’re a sinner, Patty. And sinners need to be saved. I can help lead you on the path to salvation.”
Someone at a table nearby got their claypot crab and scallop and it looked and smelled absolutely amazing, bubbling away inside a proper clay pot. Meanwhile, my date was busy quoting some sort of scripture to me. How come when zealots quote scripture they pick the weird passages that are all wishy-washy and don’t seem to make any sense? Whereas non-zealous Christians quote the cool things Jesus was supposed to have said which are hard to disagree with, because Jesus sounded like a pretty cool lovey hippy dude, unlike his Dad who sounds a bit crazy.
“Look,” I finally snapped, desperately hoping dinner would be here any minute and really glad I was pretending I wasn’t a total piggy and so didn’t order dessert at the same time. “To me religion is a fairy tale. Let’s just agree to disagree, can we?”
“It’s evolution that’s the fairy tale, Patty. Satan has poisoned your mind.” All the while he was smiling at me in an oh-so-pleasant but-maybe-not-all-there manner. “But you can be saved.”
It was pretty obvious that this wasn’t going anywhere any good, but I really wanted my dinner now, especially as I’d have to pay for it anyway. So I decided to ask him some questions about whether he believed the bible literally (“I believe the Bible is the word of God”), how did he explain the inconsistencies (“There are no inconsistencies if you read it with a pure heart”) and so on to fill in time until my dinner came.
The crab and scallop claypot was worth the wait, but a bit hard to enjoy as I scoffed it down in record time. I could see people around me doing that “tut tut, and she probably wonders why she’s fat” thing that skinny people do.
So did he ever actually want to go on a date with me? It seems he uses Big Dating Site stalking atheists and looking for souls to save. I wonder if that gets him some sort of fast track to heaven or a better job when he gets there or something.
So apparently wicked, sinful me can look forward to burning in the fires of hell for all eternity. But so long as there’s claypot crab and scallop there, I can deal with that.
Patty the Plain Plump Spinster 
Oh Patty! Im so glad you’re back, Ive missed reading your posts.
As for the religious nut sooo been there … I had one refer to the crowds at local footy match as “jesus and his flock of sheep”. I got lost in the crowd and was never found 🙂
Oh Jesus, This is incredible. Even by my poor standards. I’ve never had anything like this! Still, at least your Bible basher is straight. My date tonight was gay. Self-admittedly camp and self-confessed that he has lots of people asking him if he is. He swears that he’s not (yes, it was a topic of conversation) but he ‘does think about men alot’. He’s also still ‘prone to extreme bouts of campness’ as he put it. Christ. Which would I choose? I think I’d go for the Saviour. At least you’d have a better chance of laying him and screaming out the name of his favourite deity in bed.
Oh my…I’m so sorry he hid his crazy from you until you ordered! That is so sneaky! But thanks for the laughs this morning!
Hey Patty lovely story. I know what you mean about the grammar and spelling. I once had a profile that said ‘Must be able to spell’. The responses indicated they were unable to read. Lesson – do not EVER go for dinner straight after coffee. Leave it a week and they might OUT themselves in conversations
Oh my god PATTY! You’ve met someone that has chosen being on a mission over the missionary position. That’s one sick dude.
I still think I win this overall race with the dating the freaks thing….but Lordy you are getting close. Keep them coming……love your work.
I think you would have been well within your rights to get up, leave him there stuck with both meals and the bill, and go somewhere else for dinner.
I’m sorry he waited so long to show his true agenda. What a funny thing to do, using dating sites to find people to save.
While I am happy your back writing more, I wish you were getting more of the ho hum, kinda boring dates ( and sucessful ones too ) rather then just the oddest of the odd.
This technique is know as ‘flirt and convert’, although trolling dating sites is taking it to extremes. It’s normally deployed by Christian women to attract pale and awkward men who don’t otherwise have much success in the dating stakes.
Pro-tip: when confronted by these religious types ask them about predestionation: if God has decided everything, including who goes to heaven and who doesn’t then what’s the point of acting to ‘save’ your soul if the decision has already been made?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Predestination_(Calvinism)
Wow, you sure do get the weirdos! At least the religious nuts I’ve run into spent several weeks pretending they really truly were my friend before trying the conversion. Stuart’s got the right idea. Just hit them with the ol’ “God is ominiscient, therefore he already knows if I’m going to Hell or not, therefore I don’t have to do anything” slap. Christianity hasn’t come up with an answer to that in 2000 years so he sure won’t have one.
Also, don’t feel obliged to stay in a situation like that because “I’d have to pay anyway”. You certainly don’t owe the crass jerk anything and you don’t owe the restaurant until the food is actually prepared and served, so skedaddle early and let the waiter know so they can’t complain “but it’s been cooked”.
I honestly don’t understand how you always end up with the crackpots!
Anyways, to more important things, so where is this crab and scallop claypot place that is worth selling your soul for?
Patty, thanks for coming back to us! What a dork Christian guy was. I hope he paid for your meal.
Either way, you live and learn. Hang in there girl xox
“The crab and scallop claypot was worth the wait, but a bit hard to enjoy as I scoffed it down in record time. I could see people around me doing that “tut tut, and she probably wonders why she’s fat” thing that skinny people do.”
– I loved this line so much I choked on a mouthful of air while laughing.
I’ve read this blog since the start (I came and checked it out after you posted on Sam Brett’s blog of blah) but this is my first ever comment (oh em gee!!!!!!). Why have I waited so long? Cause I’m lazy!
However!! Talking about me is not the point here – point is, I wanted to commend you on having the guts to put yourself out there, throwing yourself to the wolves, and having some pretty interesting/funny/sad/moving stories to tell as a result 🙂 Stick with it, and hopefully something awesome will come of it.
I don’t have any ridiculous dating stories (unforchs), but I meet a lot of random people on the trains (my ma told me that I need to work on my “f*** off or lose a limb” face, and I clearly haven’t perfected it yet cause I still get approached by allllllll sorts of people – criminals on bail (NO JOKE), one dude who was OBSSESSED with toothpaste, an old Asian lady who made my day by telling some young punk playing his music to shut up, and lots and lots and lots of old people. LOTS) – ANYWAY – point is, there are truck loads of craaaaaaazy people out there, but occasionally you strike an alright one, and that’s all we can ask for, right?
Ok, enough procrastinating – back to my essay/hypothetical (erm, side note: WORST HYPOTHETICAL EVER –> my protagonists are called ZEN and TEX and SWEN. What is this? Let a celebrity name the hypothetical characters day? RIDIC!)
Guys, I’m weirded out. Online dating sucks. I want to go back to plain plump vegging on the couch, cuddling up to my cat.
Patty, where you at? I have missed your escapades.
I too have been internet dating and my tales are a bit different to yours… I think I’m one of the weirdos. My computer should come with a breathalyzer as I tend to chat these innocent guys up while I am totally shitfaced and reveal my not so hidden agenda…
Anyway, I miss you and you should come back and post more often 🙂
Hey patty, I think that you have had a big enough rest now and should try again. I miss reading about your adventures!
Know what you mean – I tried the online dating thing a number of years ago, and got myself into a scary and very uncomfortable situation, completely gave it up!
Patty, seriously, blog about your navel lint or your cat. Okay, not the cat, I don’t like cats, but I like your way with words.
Yes Patty, and there are other ways to date apart from Internet dating, why don’t you don’t about that? Online dating is only one tool in the belt kit. What happened to your speed dating events or your singles dinners or Meetup efforts? Anything to report there?
I don’t know how you stuck in there! I’m not a fan of talking about religion but he seemed to come across really slightly unhinged to deliberately ask you out on a date not to get to know you, but to call you a sinner! That’s shocking haha at least you enjoyed your crab and scallop pot!
Pats – come back! Even if you are not dating. What are you doing now? Are there any alternatives to the on-line thing? Have you met any men clutching watermelons on a Monday night at Woolies…have so heard that is a “place” to meet men – at the meat market so to speak.
Patty – how are you? We are all waiting for another story…
Patty, what’s happened? even if you aren’t dating anymore, we’d like to hear how you are!
yeah, patty we’d love to have you back!
Patty, I really miss your blog and your witty musings. I didn’t find your blog until a couple months after you stopped writing it, and I absolutely loved it. I’ve seen a couple of those “Sam and the City” blogs and always found them boring, too pleased with themselves, and slightly obnoxious and shallow. Your blog is such a fresh concept and I love your relentlessly upbeat attitude! (and you’re way funnier and wiser than the 20-something stick insects my darling!)
And coming from a 20-something slightly-padded stick insect who loves your writing, you have enormous potential. I really hope you don’t give up on finding love. These horrible 12 dates are NOT representative of what’s out there. There are a lot of gentlemen who prefer wit and wisdom over youthful beauty, and many who are just sexually attracted to plump women and find them beautiful (I had my plump days before I became a gym rat – I was pleasantly surprised at how many men were into the extra-curvy look).
Can I make a suggestion? Get off the dating site you’ve been using (clearly it attracts the worst kind of men) and go out into the real world. Date guys who are within your circle of friends/family, or guys who have some tangential connection to your circle. Go to places related to your hobbies (bookstores, museums, author signing events, whatever you’re into) and where you think a gentleman of similar age and/or personality would be drawn to, and just chat people up.
Also, spruce up. You don’t have to lose weight if you’re comfortable as you are, but take care of your skin (sunscreen, constant cleansing, use a dermaroller to fade wrinkles and blemishes, etc), buy the most effective-but-natural and expensive makeup you can’t afford (really – don’t skimp on makeup, EVER), wax everything, thread your eyebrows, get your hair and nails professionally done, wear beautiful lingerie for the feeling they give you, and start wearing dresses and nothing else. Dresses are ultra-feminine and look amazing on curvy women, especially if you know where to shop for your shape. And wear colors! Don’t wear black!
I don’t know if you’re in the UK or America (I suspect UK), but Saks Fifth Ave and Nordstrom make beautiful dresses for plump ladies. 🙂 You will have to spend big money unfortunately – that’s the only way to get quality clothes that flatter a curvier figure, while the skinny bitches get to dress in cheap sacks from the local thrift store. It is what it is. But please take advantage of the fact that there are some beautiful dresses out there for you, just spend your disposable income on them. Finding a man is an investment. God, I sound like my mother.
And even if you don’t immediately find a man, you’re going to feel amazing about yourself! That will attract your prince when you least expect it. 🙂
Of course, you might have stopped blogging because you found a man and don’t want him to discover this blog, in which case I will feel extremely silly for writing this. 🙂
Patty, we miss you! Even if you’d like to end the blog for whatever reason, please come back and say good-bye! 😦
Patty, you need to update us. Even to say good bye! you’re really missed!
Time to come back now Patty.